shortstories

Competitive Streak

Neil didn’t actually like running marathons as much as he bloody loved letting everyone know that we was a marathon runner.
When Jeff in the office said he was going to run a marathon,
Neil was fuming
but outwardly supportive
such was his demeanour.
Not to be trumped
Neil trained harder and next Monday announced he was running 100 kilometers
without water
or shoes
or feet or legs
He maimed his own legs and bled all by the photocopier.

Aha, Kenya

This lion, Terry,
like all lions,
smoked cigars.
Nala gazed at him
How she longed to be free from the mistake of her youth.
Simba had no idea the marriage was now loveless
He chugged on his fat cuban
and rolled around laughing about Pride Rock
like a fucking animal

Nora

Nora only really liked to be fingered.
This hindered lasting relationships for most of her 30s.
Whilst on a trip to Florence with her patient Mormon boyfriend of 3 months - she flirted outrageously with a glove makers apprentice from the high end leather goods store, Gino’s.
That night she sucked his fingers.
Matthew wept,
cuckolded in the corner on a chintz and walnut armchair.

Plastic

Horace was really smug about all the glitter he found in a tub.
He was understandably naive about the effect eating 300 grams of glitter could have on the body of a sealion.
He duly died.

STDs: Etymology

June was upset
Frank tried to apologise and sought to console June by reading the Wikipedia entry in which the etymology of gonorrhea was noted
Romantically,
it was named after the Mexican muse of the doctor who discovered the ailment in himself
The doctor
and the muse, Gonorrhea,
later married;
with the doctor clear of the STD using just regular anti-biotics
June was now both upset
and angry
Frank booked himself an Uber

Carlos, the jammy bastard

Carlos had really actually made it
Anyone he texted always immediately texted him back
One could only dream
to live like Carlos

Carlos 2

Carlos looked in the mirror
He realised he’d nailed life
Not wanting to waste a minute, he promptly reproduced
Triumphantly making more Carlos’s for the world

Janet

Janet had moved to the Netherlands 5 years ago
She fucking loved tompouce
and had seen off over 300 since her summer 2017 discovery
She was now absolutely enormous

Agnes

As head air-hostess aboard every Lufthansa-Amsterdam ferry
Agnes was to check the passenger roster
Nobody knew she was actually writing her memoirs
and the roster was often unchecked

Backgammon

Brendan: 2017 Shropshire Area Backgammon Champion
Since his virgin victory
Brendan had spiralled
Tearing up the backgammon scene with a punk attitude and fistfulls of cocaine.
Fast forward to the 2018 final -
Gurning and gakked out of his existence
Brendan took a tremendous lead
the trophy in his bleary sight.
Agonizingly, he was thrown out of the 2018 tournament not because he vomited on the board during the final frame,
but because his vomit contained a single die
3 dice on the board, being a serious technical foul

Lonely Deliveroo driver

On Thursdays
I join after work drinks
from booking.com
smashing fistfuls of salted cashews
pretending I’m from IT
as I slag off their boss to fit in

Vintage Technology

Linda thought that the
vinyl records
analog photography
caveman beard
and Des foraging and making his own wine was cool.
Blinded by lust
and her penchant for nostalgia
she didn’t notice Des’s predictable abandonment of modern medicine
The bubonic plague got them both

Vloggers

callous_dave1918
Remains the only remotely likeable Youtube vlogger worldwide
Regretably
He is no longer with us
Dying peacefully
in his sleep
of old age
in 2002

Grocery problems

How utterly apalling
a split carrier bag
Kate was embarassed
She had let the Buy One Get One Free on Easter eggs and Fanta get the better of her
The pile beside her was literally a mountain of guilt

Weather (hot)

It was so shitting hot
that the tarmac was melting.
In fact
everything melted
The village: a swirled Jackson Pollock of phone boxes, Yorkshire Terriers and genteel over 65s
Nothing escaped the melee
Determined to hold onto their over 65 customer base,
the parish bingo continued to operate from the southern end of the gloop

Andy.xlsx

Andy learned all the tricks on Microsoft Excel
And boasted about it at dinner parties
He thought it was a good anecdote until he went on a date with Amy from PR
Who made her excuses after one drink
Amy was rated lowly in Andy’s dating spreadsheet

Fan club

Unbeknownst to many
Josie Darby was secretly the founder of the Anthea Turner Fan Club
But then she found fame
And the fan club sadly floundered

Perils of wordplay

Trash talking
at the Scrabble tournament
was not decorum
But Philip was on a roll
and gave precisely zero fucks
His jibber jabber was cut short upon the next tile selection
crucified by:
N N N R I R B
His opponent, Steven from Chesterfield
was no “CANDY ASS BITCH” now

Seduction

The plan initially seemed flawless
but Dorothy
was not amenable
to Chris’selfie
holding aloft
her favourite crisps
and his erect penis

Tim

They all picked on Tim
calling him a lardarse
and a cunt
Tim danced for them
alternating hops
arms flagged
opposing each outward leg
At the end of the song
they gave Tim his earned Victoria Sponge
Considering he had slept with all 3 sisters
he probably was a cunt
and the baking for his dancing,
highly generous

Infinite scroll

Sore eyes and thumbs, but
what a triumph
Svetlana put her phone on the table
She had finished the internet

Caramello

None of Raj’s friends minded that he was made of caramel
Raj was a hoot
His wife
however
was a complete bastard