Neil didn’t actually like running marathons as much as he bloody loved letting everyone know that we was a marathon runner.
When Jeff in the office said he was going to run a marathon,
Neil was fuming
but outwardly supportive
such was his demeanour.
Not to be trumped
Neil trained harder and next Monday announced he was running 100 kilometers
or feet or legs
He maimed his own legs and bled all by the photocopier.
This lion, Terry,
like all lions,
Nala gazed at him
How she longed to be free from the mistake of her youth.
Simba had no idea the marriage was now loveless
He chugged on his fat cuban
and rolled around laughing about Pride Rock
like a fucking animal
Nora only really liked to be fingered.
This hindered lasting relationships for most of her 30s.
Whilst on a trip to Florence with her patient Mormon boyfriend of 3 months - she flirted outrageously with a glove makers apprentice from the high end leather goods store, Gino’s.
That night she sucked his fingers.
cuckolded in the corner on a chintz and walnut armchair.
Horace was really smug about all the glitter he found in a tub.
He was understandably naive about the effect eating 300 grams of glitter could have on the body of a sealion.
He duly died.
June was upset
Frank tried to apologise and sought to console June by reading the Wikipedia entry in which the etymology of gonorrhea was noted
it was named after the Mexican muse of the doctor who discovered the ailment in himself
and the muse, Gonorrhea,
with the doctor clear of the STD using just regular anti-biotics
June was now both upset
Frank booked himself an Uber
Carlos, the jammy bastard
Carlos had really actually made it
Anyone he texted always immediately texted him back
One could only dream
to live like Carlos
Carlos looked in the mirror
He realised he’d nailed life
Not wanting to waste a minute, he promptly reproduced
Triumphantly making more Carlos’s for the world
Janet had moved to the Netherlands 5 years ago
She fucking loved tompouce
and had seen off over 300 since her summer 2017 discovery
She was now absolutely enormous
As head air-hostess aboard every Lufthansa-Amsterdam ferry
Agnes was to check the passenger roster
Nobody knew she was actually writing her memoirs
and the roster was often unchecked
Brendan: 2017 Shropshire Area Backgammon Champion
Since his virgin victory
Brendan had spiralled
Tearing up the backgammon scene with a punk attitude and fistfulls of cocaine.
Fast forward to the 2018 final -
Gurning and gakked out of his existence
Brendan took a tremendous lead
the trophy in his bleary sight.
Agonizingly, he was thrown out of the 2018 tournament not because he vomited on the board during the final frame,
but because his vomit contained a single die
3 dice on the board, being a serious technical foul
Lonely Deliveroo driver
I join after work drinks
smashing fistfuls of salted cashews
pretending I’m from IT
as I slag off their boss to fit in
Linda thought that the
and Des foraging and making his own wine was cool.
Blinded by lust
and her penchant for nostalgia
she didn’t notice Des’s predictable abandonment of modern medicine
The bubonic plague got them both
Remains the only remotely likeable Youtube vlogger worldwide
He is no longer with us
in his sleep
of old age
How utterly apalling
a split carrier bag
Kate was embarassed
She had let the Buy One Get One Free on Easter eggs and Fanta get the better of her
The pile beside her was literally a mountain of guilt
It was so shitting hot
that the tarmac was melting.
The village: a swirled Jackson Pollock of phone boxes, Yorkshire Terriers and genteel over 65s
Nothing escaped the melee
Determined to hold onto their over 65 customer base,
the parish bingo continued to operate from the southern end of the gloop
Andy learned all the tricks on Microsoft Excel
And boasted about it at dinner parties
He thought it was a good anecdote until he went on a date with Amy from PR
Who made her excuses after one drink
Amy was rated lowly in Andy’s dating spreadsheet
Unbeknownst to many
Josie Darby was secretly the founder of the Anthea Turner Fan Club
But then she found fame
And the fan club sadly floundered
Perils of wordplay
at the Scrabble tournament
was not decorum
But Philip was on a roll
and gave precisely zero fucks
His jibber jabber was cut short upon the next tile selection
N N N R I R B
His opponent, Steven from Chesterfield
was no “CANDY ASS BITCH” now
The plan initially seemed flawless
was not amenable
her favourite crisps
and his erect penis
They all picked on Tim
calling him a lardarse
and a cunt
Tim danced for them
opposing each outward leg
At the end of the song
they gave Tim his earned Victoria Sponge
Considering he had slept with all 3 sisters
he probably was a cunt
and the baking for his dancing,
Sore eyes and thumbs, but
what a triumph
Svetlana put her phone on the table
She had finished the internet
None of Raj’s friends minded that he was made of caramel
Raj was a hoot
was a complete bastard
Written over 3 days in summer 2018
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